Moments to heal, company to hold tight.

New Year's Eve was approaching and I knew one thing for certain:

I wanted to be in Joshua Tree and I wanted to be alone. 

In the weeks leading up to New Year's Eve, I had been feeling overwhelmed in all areas of my life. To begin with, I was working on my van a lot and didn’t realize how exhausted I would feel at the end of each day. The smallest project would end up taking hours. I was on autopilot trying to get as much work done as I could. Needless to say, I needed to slow down. 

Then, intertwined in the chaos I was creating for myself, I was face to face with reconciling feelings I had for someone who was very special in my life. I’m not ready to talk about this, but I will sprinkle the idea that our bodies respond for a reason, so be open to listening even if it hurts. 

Then, there was Christmas Day. My family woke up to the news that my nana passed away early that morning. There’s really nothing to say about this day other than I am glad most of my family was together. The following days were when the emotions began to surface. My dad was processing his mother's passing and I was right by his side providing comfort where I could. The following Friday is when the funeral was to be held and unfortunately, due to the costs of flights and canceled flights, we couldn’t go to Pennsylvania. So, Friday morning we gathered in my dad's kitchen and watched the funeral over Facebook. The hardest part about this service was watching my poppy’s emotions during the service. My nana and poppy were married for over 60 years. Watching this parting of love was crushing. 

My nana is the reason I started sewing and making jewelry at a young age.  She was an amazing seamstress who designed and sewed hundreds of costumes by hand for the Scranton Civic Ballet Company that are still being worn today.

So, Friday evening after the funeral and many many tears I took off to Joshua Tree. 

I needed to rest my mind and body. 

A moment of stillness with the desert. A moment of peace throughout my body. 

The ride to Joshua Tree was quiet. My friend Shoshannah was with me and she understood the need for silence. I am grateful for the awareness that we don’t always have to be making conversation. 

We made it to the dry lake bed, where we would camp, pretty late in the night. I remember turning off the car, plopping down on the bed in the back, and zipping myself up into my sleeping bag. Again, without a word, I closed my eyes and let my body rest. 

Saturday morning welcomed us with sunshine. It was New Year's Eve and I knew Joshua Tree was going to be busy inside the park. I usually avoid climbing over holidays because of the traffic, but I didn’t care. I was just happy to be outside in Joshua Tree after an emotional few weeks. 

The park was busy, but we wandered and found a slice of solitude in Echo Cove. We only climbed for about an hour because we both got hungry. We wandered back to the van where we found our bottle of Jameson and some Squirt soda. We made ourselves a cocktail…or a few, ate our sandwiches, and stared off into the desert horizon. 

It was perfect. 

We talked about where we planned on camping for the night. Our friend Nic wanted us to come camp on the lake bed for a New Year's Eve party. However, Shoshannah and I weren’t feeling social enough to go to a huge party. We agreed to see how we were feeling towards the end of the day and make a decision then. 

The day was flying by and before sunset, I wanted to show Shoshannah the view from the top of The Eye. I talked to her about how mellow the climb was and if she trusted me to take her up it. After talking, we decided we would just scramble the backside and bring our drinks up to catch the sunset. Then, I casually brought her to the face of the climb so she could see what we would climb if we decided to take the route up instead of the scramble around the backside. 

We decided to climb The Eye. Fun was had. 

It was now time to head out of the park and set up camp for the night. We had to go to the lake bed anyway because there was no camping available inside the park. So, we said yes to the New years eve shindig. We both agreed to park a little further away from everyone, just in case we wanted to dip out early. 

It wasn’t a surprise that there was an abundance of vehicles parked, but I was still thinking to myself “what kind of party is this going to be?”. I stepped out of the car and found my friend Nic who always gives the best hugs. I immediately felt that this decision was exactly where I needed to be. Everyone following Nic was extremely friendly. I continued to walk around with a smile on my face because everyone on this lake bed had the most inviting energy. The people around, which were strangers to me, provided a space for everyone to be their most authentic selves. 

Ironically, my van ended up being in the center of the entire party to block the wind.

Shoshannah and I just laughed. We had tried so hard to create distance and the universe said, “not today”. 

The rest of the night was one of the best I've had in a long time. I was welcomed with open arms and met some extraordinary people. It was actually exactly what I needed to loosen up and move all of the emotions I had been feeling leading up to this night. I danced and had wonderful conversations with many people. The kind of conversations that end with you feeling like you’ve known each other for years. 

I thought I needed to be alone. I thought I needed to sit with myself. 

And while I had moments of solitude (every time I went in my van to chug water). I really needed to be surrounded by the magic of these humans. I woke up the next day recharged, just a little hungover, and inspired. 

So, why not say yes? Why not dive into uncharted waters just because? Why not be open to meeting new people? 

This night showed me a lot about surrendering to things I don’t know because when you get there you can always walk away, but you won’t know unless you show up. 

Thank you to everyone who I met over New Year's Eve. The company I was surrounded by was magic and filled my soul with so much love. 

Here for now,

Nicole Kasarda