There is no such thing as being behind in your own life.

It felt like an eternity, submerged in my own overwhelmed thoughts about how I was somehow behind in my life. It sounds absurd saying it out loud, but I really did feel stuck. I could see other people living the lifestyle I craved to get back to. Meanwhile, I was going into an office every morning and then going to classes in the evening. 

I had become part of a mundane world. One I swore never to enter. It was hard to recognize at the time, but that was exactly where I needed to be. I moved back to San Diego from Mammoth Lakes to finish school. 

 While living in Mammoth I toyed with the idea of dropping out of school so so so many times. I felt like I was dragging a weight on my foot everywhere I went. I was over half way done with college and my interest in being a teacher made a hard stop. I felt like I was “wasting time”. Showing up to classes I no longer had an interest in utilizing or pursuing a career in. This wasted feeling became stronger when I had to take classes on campus at San Diego State University. Before SDSU, I was a full time online student through community colleges in San Diego. I received my Associates in Arts all while living out of my car in Mammoth. I was able to rock climb and snowboard every single day during the school year. I created my own little heaven. Happily living in a completely different world than most people my age. So, the change in lifestyle and way of school hit me like a brick when I came back to San Diego.

I remember walking to my first class on campus and under my breath I let out “this is some bullshit”. I was angry. I couldn’t knock the chip off my shoulder that I had left Mammoth to get some piece of paper that I knew wasn’t going to serve me, at least not now. During this time, I was working, going to school, and catching up with old friends. Along with the occasional breakdowns about wanting to rock climb outside and travel all the time, everything was fine. I began to realize how lucky I was to see my family all the time and reconnect with my friends. I got to dive into my community at home, one I hadn’t felt like I had in a long time. Ocean Beach is magical and I am lucky to have been born and raised there. 

Being back at home helped me understand the community I already had around me. All I had to do was jump into it. Mammoth is special in its own majestical way and so is Ocean Beach. I finally threw out the thought that one was better than the other. Truth is everything holds a light that is different from the other. I’m just happy to know both. 

Towards the end of my college career those thoughts of feeling like I was behind started to quietly fade away. I was finally taking off the weight that I had been dragging around on my foot all these years. The weight that I was somehow “wasting time” because I chose to finish my education. When I received my diploma I was still met with an unsettling feeling that I should have gone into a different major (who doesn’t doubt their major more than once). BUT I was also so happy I stuck it out. You see, I love learning. I love opening my mind to new perspectives.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is no such thing as wasting time, just bad attitudes.  

 I’m aware that our time on this earth can be cut at any moment. There are no right or wrong decisions. We wake up and walk a path. Some days the path is filled with all the things we like. Some days it's muddy, rainy, and filled with potholes. Yet, we continue to walk. 

There are going to be pages in our stories that are muddy but the most important thing is that we are still turning the pages. Moving forward through the changes. Growing with each step, trusting the journey. 

Here for now, 

Nicole K